Emotional Regulation At Work

"Black women aren't just doing their jobs. They're performing an exhausting one-woman show where the script changes daily." Let me break down what Black women navigate in professional spaces: We don't just choose our words. We filter them through a racial-gender matrix. We don't just speak. We modulate our tone to avoid the "angry" label. We don't just gesture. We control our hand movements to appear "non-threatening." We don't just dress. We calculate every outfit to seem "professional enough." We don't just style our hair. We make political decisions with each hairstyle. This isn't paranoia—it's strategic survival: When we speak directly, we're "aggressive" When we show emotion, we're "unprofessional" When we assert boundaries, we're "difficult" When we seek recognition, we're "entitled" When we express frustration, we're "hostile" The mental load is crushing: • Constantly scanning environments for potential hostility • Preparing responses to microaggressions before they happen • Developing thick skin while remaining "approachable" • Achieving twice as much while appearing humble • Advocating for ourselves without triggering stereotypes Research shows this hypervigilance takes a measurable toll: Black women experience higher rates of stress-related health conditions Black women report the highest levels of "bringing their full selves" to work Black women face the most severe career penalties for authentic self-expression Black women spend more mental energy on workplace navigation than any other group For those working alongside Black women, here are research-backed ways to help: 1. Amplify Black women's ideas and give proper credit 2. Interrupt when you witness tone-policing or stereotyping 3. Question double standards in evaluation and feedback 4. Create space for authentic expression without penalties 5. Recognise the invisible labour Black women perform daily 📢 When they expect us to carry the world, we choose rest 📢 The Black Woman's Rest Revolution offers: ✨ Black women therapists who understand workplace navigation ✨ Bi-weekly healing circles for processing code-switching fatigue ✨ Expert guidance through professional double standards ✨ Global sisterhood that honors our authentic selves Limited spots available Join our revolution: [Link in comments] ⚠️ Check your spam folder for confirmation Because we deserve workplaces where our expertise matters more than our tone. Because our brilliance shouldn't require constant repackaging. Because our professional value shouldn't depend on our likability. #BlackWomenAtWork #WorkplaceNavigation #ProfessionalAuthenticity #RestIsRevolution P.S. I help Black women heal from workplace abuse & racial trauma through revolutionary rest. 📸 Collaboration between Sarah_akinterwa & leaningorg on IG

👊 “𝗝𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗷𝗶𝗻, 𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘂𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝘁, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗲𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵.” That’s what my EVP told me back then. I didn’t have children waiting at home. No school run. No bedtime routine to rush back for. And still: I was wrecked. On paper, I was the classic “high‑potential” woman leader. Big scope, global remit, always “great in complex situations.” In reality, my days looked like this: • Holding the line for strategies I hadn’t designed, but had to defend. • Absorbing my team’s fear during restructures so they didn’t fall apart. • Rewriting senior leaders’ disastrous comms so they didn’t blow up in public. • Being the unofficial therapist for colleagues because “you just understand people.”    Then I’d go home to silence. No kids’ chaos to blame my exhaustion on. Just a brain that would not switch off. One evening, after yet another week of re-orga, late‑night calls, and being the emotional sandwich between up and down, in a vulnerable moment I complained to my EVP, and He just said: “If you’re not willing to suffer for it, you don’t want it enough.” 💡 Here’s what I understand now that I didn’t have words for then: I was absolutely willing to suffer. I was just suffering for the 𝘄𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀. • Protect leaders who didn’t protect me. • Stabilise a system that depended on women to do the emotional and relational cleanup, for free. • Keep everyone else comfortable, my boss, my peers, my team while I gradually disappeared from my own life.    🚀 I wasn’t suffering for my next orbit. 🩸 I was bleeding out for everyone else’s. And this is not just “my story”. Study after study shows women leaders carry more emotional labour, more invisible work, and more non‑promotable tasks than their male peers – at significant cost to their wellbeing and progression. So the question is not: Are you willing to suffer for your career? 👉 But: What exactly are you willing to suffer for?" Here’s the shift I now help senior women make: • Stop spending your best hours firefighting, smoothing egos, and fixing problems you didn’t create. • Start spending your best hours on 3 things only: rooms where decisions are made, moves that grow your power, and conversations that change your compensation and exit runway.    And you cannot make that shift while thinking in the same rooms that benefit from your over‑suffering. If every strategic conversation you have is inside the organisation’s politics, you will keep optimising for the organisation’s comfort and not your power. This is why we built ㊙️ 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗖𝗶𝗿𝗰𝗹𝗲 ㊙️, a high-touch advisory channel for senior exec. women who are navigating complex leadership decisions, transitions, and high‑stakes moments in their careers. If you know you are suffering, just not for the life and work you actually want, DM me! 👊 You’re exactly who I built it for!

As International Women’s Day nears, we’ll see the usual corporate gestures—empowerment panels, social media campaigns, and carefully curated success stories. But let’s be honest: these feel-good initiatives rarely change what actually holds women back at work on the daily basis. Instead, I suggest focusing on something concrete, something I’ve seen have the biggest impact in my work with teams: the unspoken dynamics that shape psychological safety. 🚨Because psychological safety is not the same for everyone. Psychological safety is often defined as a shared belief that one can take risks without fear of negative consequences. But let’s unpack that—who actually feels safe enough to take those risks? 🔹 Speaking up costs more for women Confidence isn’t the issue—consequences are. Women learn early that being too direct can backfire. Assertiveness can be read as aggression, while careful phrasing can make them seem uncertain. Over time, this calculation becomes second nature: Is this worth the risk? 🔹 Mistakes are stickier When men fail, it’s seen as part of leadership growth. When women fail, it often reinforces lingering doubts about their competence. This means that women aren’t more risk-averse by nature—they’re just more aware of the cost. 🔹 Inclusion isn’t just about presence Being at the table doesn’t mean having an equal voice. Women often find themselves in a credibility loop—having to repeatedly prove their expertise before their ideas carry weight. Meanwhile, those who fit the traditional leadership mold are often trusted by default. 🔹 Emotional labor is the silent career detour Women in teams do an extraordinary amount of behind-the-scenes work—mediating conflicts, softening feedback, ensuring inclusion. The problem? This work isn’t visible in performance reviews or leadership selection criteria. It’s expected, but not rewarded. What companies can do beyond IWD symbolism: ✅ Stop measuring "confidence"—start measuring credibility gaps If some team members always need to “prove it” while others are trusted instantly, you have a credibility gap, not a confidence issue. Fix how ideas get heard, not how women present them. ✅ Make failure a learning moment for everyone Audit how mistakes are handled in your team. Are men encouraged to take bold moves while women are advised to be more careful? Change the narrative around risk. ✅ Track & reward emotional labor If women are consistently mentoring, resolving conflicts, or ensuring inclusion, this isn’t just “being helpful”—it’s leadership. Make it visible, valued, and part of promotion criteria. 💥 This IWD, let’s skip the celebration and start the correction. If your company is serious about making psychological safety equal for everyone, let’s do the real work. 📅 I’m now booking IWD sessions focused on improving team dynamics and creating workplaces where women don’t just survive, but thrive. Book your spot and let’s turn good intentions into lasting impact.

“I don’t fear my feelings anymore.” When she said that in our last session, I felt the weight of how far she had come. Because this was the same high-performing woman who once told me: “I can handle board meetings… but I can’t handle feeling not enough.” On paper, she was exceptional. Strong career trajectory. Many high achiever awards Respected in her field. Consistently delivering results. But internally? Rejection from friends would stay with her for days. A delayed reply felt like exclusion. Someone else being appreciated triggered quiet comparison. Her own achievements went unnoticed — and she shrank. The voice in her head was relentless: “You should be better.” “You should be stronger.” “Why does this still affect you?” Add to that the weight of expectations. From parents. From culture. From herself. She wasn’t just chasing goals. She was chasing approval. And when approval didn’t come — it felt like failure. So she coped the only way she knew how: Overworking. Overgiving. Overachieving. Pretending she wasn’t hurt. High performer outside. Emotionally exhausted inside. No one had ever taught her what to do with feelings like rejection, comparison, invisibility. So she either drowned in them… or pushed them down. In our recent session she said: “Now when I feel rejected or small, I don’t spiral. I pause. I name it. I park it. I choose how to respond.” That is emotional fitness. Not becoming emotionless. Not pretending rejection doesn’t hurt. Not eliminating ambition. But learning to: • Separate feeling from identity • Regulate before reacting • Stop outsourcing self-worth • Celebrate your own wins • Allow someone else’s success without shrinking yourself Her achievements didn’t suddenly get louder. Her inner critic got quieter. She stopped losing days to “I’m not enough.” She stopped turning someone else’s spotlight into her shadow. And that shift changes everything. Because here’s the truth: Many high performers aren’t struggling with competence. They’re struggling with unprocessed emotion. Rejection hurts. Comparison triggers. Unmet expectations sting. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. But if you don’t train your response, those emotions start running your leadership, your relationships, your confidence. So let me ask you: Where are you still seeking approval instead of building self-trust? If you’re ready to stop feeling small in moments that don’t define you — and start leading from emotional strength — let’s connect. Because success feels very different when you no longer measure your worth through someone else’s validation. #EmotionalFitness #HighPerformance #EmotionalIntelligence #LeadershipDevelopment #WomenInLeadership #SelfWorth #ResilientLeadership #NervousSystemRegulation #ExecutivePresence #PersonalGrowth #ConfidenceBuilding #SelfLeadership

“Not ready for senior leadership.” I’ve seen that land on women who keep entire teams afloat. Not for performance. For micro-reactions. We all get triggered; it's part of being human. It doesn’t always look like anger. Sometimes it’s: ⚪️ Speaking faster ⚪️ Over-explaining ⚪️ A clipped “It’s fine” ⚪️ The raised eyebrow you didn’t catch ⚪️ A tight jaw in the weekly update Tiny tells. Big consequences. 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐦 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥. 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐱.  Everyone pays it - women pay more. That’s the 𝐝𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐛𝐢𝐧𝐝. Same behavior. Different headline. He’s “passionate.” She’s “emotional.” He’s “decisive.” She’s “reactive.” He’s “a strong personality.” She’s “not ready.” A director client was called “a live wire” in her 360. An acting CFO I coached braced at ExCom questions. Before we started, the CEO’s label: “She’s difficult.” It’s unfair. It’s also fixable. Years ago my mentor asked the question I now use with clients: “𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮?” Because emotion is data. Reactivity is leakage. Leadership presence is about communicating calmly under pressure, with anyone. 5 steps to emotionally self-regulate (in the room and on calls): 🍀 3-𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐭. Exhale once. Drop shoulders. Then speak. 🍀 𝐒𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 10 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐬. Pace sets perception. 🍀 𝐂𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐬. Trade explanations for clear asks. 🍀 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐫 𝐛𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫. 5 minutes to decompress before responding. 🍀 𝐀𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫. One peer who flags the micro-signals you miss. Within 8 weeks, that CFO’s feedback shifted from “difficult” to “calm under pressure.” Same standards. New signals. Better decisions. Your competence isn’t the problem. 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐦 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥. 𝐁𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐭. What do you do to keep your calm when triggered? 💭 —----- 📩 𝐉𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐒𝐞𝐩𝐭 12 for the Executive Presence & Visibility Masterclass — link in comments. ♻️ Repost if you’ve learned this the hard way - help someone who’s being taxed for reactivity.

Crying at work, yes or no? It’s a question that still divides opinion, and reveals how uncomfortable we are with emotional expression in professional spaces. But here's what I’ve noticed after years of coaching women in leadership: Tears are rarely about weakness. They’re about capacity. Most women who cry at work aren’t falling apart…they’re overflowing. They’ve been managing deadlines, meetings, expectations, invisible labour… all while trying to hold it together. Eventually, something gives. And too often, it’s the one thing that’s still taboo: emotion. The workplace isn’t built for it. And so, the tears come with shame, silence, or self-blame. This article about Rachel Reeves crying in the Commons raises an important point: until we shift the culture around emotion at work, we’ll keep forcing women to hold it in until they break. Here’s the piece that sparked this conversation: https://lnkd.in/gqMpMH6S What do you think? #womeninleadership #emotionalintelligence #burnoutrecovery #leadershipdevelopment #selfawareness #highperformancecoach

Many Black women leaders look fine. But inside? Mash up. Still building. Still delivering. Still the “Strong One.” But the body is carrying the ramifications of misogynoir. Here’s what “mash up” actually looks like in the nervous system. There are three states - see which one you recognise. 1. Hyper-Activated and Braced (Sympathetic Activation - Fight or Flight, But Polished) Shoulders up. Jaw tight. Breath shallow. Scanning the room before you’ve even sat down. Posture held - even when there’s no visible threat. Still leading. Still producing. Body quietly in crisis. When your nervous system lives here, it shows up as over-functioning. Bringing the agenda. Anticipating every question. Running multiple projects. Being “on it” before anyone asks. It looks like excellence. But underneath is: “If I stay ahead of everything, I’ll be safe.” 2. Exhausted and Shut Down (Dorsal Activation - Conservation Mode) You’re not fighting anymore. You’re heavy. Breath flat. Energy low. Still delivering. Still showing up. But something behind your eyes has gone quiet. When your nervous system drops here, it shows up as withdrawal. Going through the motions. Emotional flatness. Numbness dressed up as calm. It looks like professionalism. But underneath is: “If I don’t show too much, I won’t trigger threat.” 3. Regulated in Public. Flooded in Private. (Sympathetic Containment → Dorsal Drop) Controlled in every room. Composed. Unreadable. Then you get somewhere safe. And everything comes out. Held together all day. Unravelling when no one’s watching. When your nervous system oscillates like this, it often shows up as hyper-responsibility. Taking it all on. Carrying the team. Leading the equity work. Signing up for another qualification. Immediately asking, “What do I need to fix?” It looks like ambition. But underneath is: “If I improve enough, I can control the outcome.” Three states in the body. Three leadership patterns. All adaptive. All survival. You can appear regulated enough to perform. But leadership requires safety in the body. This is why I work with Black women senior leaders on nervous system regulation and embodied authority. You deserve language for what your body has been living. You don’t need a breakdown to qualify for support. And you deserve to feel as safe as you look. ♻️ Repost if you believe Black women leaders shouldn’t have to survive their success.

The Workplace Runs on Dysregulated Women How Nervous System Strain Became a Business Model "The modern workplace depends on a particular kind of nervous system, even though it rarely names it. It rewards people who can override fatigue, suppress internal signals, absorb urgency, and continue producing as though none of that has a cost. It privileges those who recover quickly without recovery, who remain responsive under pressure, and who can hold emotional and operational complexity without asking the system to slow down. We (women) are especially good at this. Not because we’re biologically suited to sustained strain, but because we’re socially trained to regulate environments long before we’re encouraged to regulate ourselves, if we ever are. We learn how to anticipate needs, smooth tension, absorb disruption, and keep things moving. By the time we reach positions of leadership, many of us have become highly skilled at maintaining external composure while our internal state remains permanently braced for battle. That capacity is often labeled professionalism and often called resilience." https://lnkd.in/eXupTYcw?

I had a conversation this week that reminded me of something we rarely name - the kind of leadership that never shows up on a job description, but quietly shapes how teams function. It’s the emotional labor underneath everything else; the pause before responding so you don’t harden the moment, the check-in with the person who went quiet after a meeting, the rephrasing of a message so it guides rather than wounds, the instinct to carry the emotional temperature of the team because someone has to. Its rarely acknowledged. It’s not a deliverable, not a metric, not something you present in a quarterly review. But it costs energy that is sometimes more than the visible tasks on the to-do-list. What is strange thing is how essential it is. Teams function because someone is quietly maintaining the human threads between people - translating tone, protecting dignity, giving context, absorbing frustration. Women often end up doing a lot of this, not because we’re naturally gifted at it, but because of the experiences that shape us long before we ever get to lead. Experiences like; - learning, early on to soften our tone, so we’re not labelled difficult - being interrupted or dismissed and having to find gentler ways to re-enter the conversation - carrying the emotional load in families and communities because it’s expected - navigating rooms where being too direct has real consequences - reading the atmosphere for safety (emotional or otherwise) before we speak - being one of the few at the table and feeling responsible for keeping the peace so we’re not blamed for the tension. Over time, these life experiences teach a certain vigilance for women in the work place - a habit of scanning for what might crack and quietly holding it together. It’s invisible work. But it is leadership. This week's conversation reminded me how much of it goes unseen and how different organizations would feel if we took it seriously and had more women in leadership. #WomenatWork #WomeninLeadership #LeadingwithCare

She looked like a confident senior leader on paper. But internally, she was battling self-doubt, perfectionism and imposter syndrome. During a period of company restructuring, staff redundancies and high-stakes decisions, the pressure intensified. She questioned her voice in the boardroom, felt intimidated by peers and struggled with boundaries, visibility and confidence - despite being highly capable. Over six months of coaching and subconscious programming, we explored what was really driving those patterns. We uncovered deeply rooted beliefs formed long before her career: ➡️ early experiences of being dismissed,  ➡️ fear of speaking up,  ➡️ internalised narratives about how a woman “should” behave Beliefs that quietly shaped how she saw herself in a male-dominated environment. Once those patterns were identified and reframed, everything began to shift. She started speaking with clarity and conviction. Handled difficult conversations with confidence. Detached from the fear of underperformance. And most importantly: stopped trying to fit a mould that was never truly hers. Two weeks after her mindset reset, she delivered a presentation to over 200 people. Today, she is the only female director in her company, leading globally with confidence, integrity and authenticity. One of her reflections still stays with me: “It’s ok to stand out for what you believe. If I don’t, nothing changes and for me, that is not an option.” So many high-achieving women don’t lack capability. They’re navigating invisible internal barriers shaped by years of conditioning. Change the patterns → change the leadership.